wrigley field is MILF paradise
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
