Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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