I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
