I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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