She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
