I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
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You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
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party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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