So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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