puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
