So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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