I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
