you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
