i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
