There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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