Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Pants are for mortals
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
