my phone needs a breathalizer
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
