I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
