i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
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he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
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Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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