I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
