So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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