he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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