He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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