I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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