I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
