there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
