So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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