I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
