fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
time to smoke my breakfast
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
