The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
