I accidentally burped into my bong.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
