happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
