My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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