chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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