I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
