He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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