I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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