remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Randomize
