if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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