you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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