some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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