I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
