I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
