fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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