The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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