when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
no you cant smoke seaweed
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
