My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
