he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
