Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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