oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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