If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Oh god it's open bar.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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