Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My ATM looks so different sober.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
