Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
