you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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