You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
