I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
