u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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