can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
