I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
