the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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